My whole life I have been looking for the key to my freedom, I thought if I punished myself enough that would be my revelation to freedom. I begged and prayed for forgiveness until it hurt, I buried my soul in alcohol & drugs, repeated affirmations to the point I started screaming them out; birthday wishes & prayer request to be free from fear, hated myself, and tried loving me… Will I ever find freedom from the bondage that holds me to this fear?
I asked, how does being spiritually connected distance me from this bondage that I felt to be more real than my own spiritual knowing? I felt that I had no control of my life, my confidence was a façade, my looks were a cover up, courage was induced by drugs & alcohol, always desperate to find a place I could call home, desperately wanting to being accepted or ashamed that I wasn’t enough. I didn’t know how to find self value as a human being; I thought if I had nice things, if enough people liked me, if I played the part of what society saw as acceptable… But nothing seemed to work.
Spiritually I knew I was loved; spirit was always there for me with open doors of opportunities. I knew there were many things I had to figure out on my own, their loving energy was always around me. But I felt it wasn’t enough because the world would swallow me up, with man-made beliefs and rules I thought held much more power than spiritual truths. Why did it seem like the world saw enlightenment as a threat? I begged spirit to bring me back home and I allow me to work in the spiritual realm; I wanted to be a guide. However, I was always reminded that my work was here; but I never knew how that could be possible. Who would listen?
Meanwhile, my fears in my environment were more marked than the spiritual knowing; I was so busy trying to survive, just to be safe – that was my every day goal. Allowing my thoughts to manipulate and justify my reality (more lies) and my anxieties started paralyzing my emotions, thoughts and communication. In these moments of my turmoil, spirit would surround me with their warm loving energy, calling my name out at night. I liked the night hours for the world was asleep and felt peaceful; I dreaded the morning; I didn’t want to “live” this life as is.
What exactly is the meaning of self-worth, or being good enough? I never understood why others would be good enough and I never could? I did have moments of believing in me. Were those lies, a fantasy – what was it? When I did feel empowered, it felt good and I did good, than all the sudden I would get scared and it was almost like my walls went automatically back up. Why? Why does this keep happening to me? I never felt like I was good enough in school – the school systems I went to were poor. I had such a hard time speaking English that I spent so much time alone and developed my own language. I was afraid to communicate in English for I would mess it up.
I looked for comfort in the church, but that frightened me even more. I was already insecure that I couldn’t do anything right. It wasn’t the church itself; I could feel God’s love and the angels. The sermon was all about sin, everything was a sin; pray for forgiveness. I would ask, what is a sin? I was in the understanding that living was a sin! If I didn’t make my bed it was a sin – I wasn’t being obedient. So I closed up even more, feeling frightened in this great big world. I felt small. I wanted to get out, I wanted to leave. God, angels, and spirits are real, they were the only thing that felt real to me, and the love of the spiritual realm that I knew wasn’t the same that was spoken of here. Am I truly crazy as they say I am?
The turmoil in my family was getting stronger; the fights, the negative energy… I was taking on all that energy – I was so sensitive to energy. Mine and theirs, at that time I didn’t realize I was absorbing theirs as well. They were all acting out in fear, so that was even more fear I was taking on. I couldn’t tell the difference between theirs and mine. I was overwhelmed. My own breath terrorized me. So I just started hanging around other crowds that I knew were hurting badly too. I turned to alcohol and drugs, the drinking was to drown myself until I knew I wasn’t consciously aware any more. Then I hated myself, it wasn’t who I was, and I knew it wasn’t me. I didn’t know how to survive on this earth plane being my true self. I would never be accepted. When I smoked I wasn’t drowning my thoughts, it calmed my thoughts. In that calmness, I felt that I had ah ha moments. I had clarity; it was like a form of meditation that I know now. My mind would quiet down. It seemed like that was the only time I could get all that chatter to silence; I would feel more enlightened. When I was in an influenced state of being, how could I keep this sense of empowerment naturally? It seems like it gave me courage, I was out of my thoughts, I would just be. I was really amazed, how delightful I really was, funny, confident, I was indeed special. What I felt was so rich in this spiritual knowing, what I saw in other people’s energy, auras, what they were feeling, how their actions were not true to their feelings, building walls from their thoughts to protect what they were really feeling. With that I was looking within me and having ah ha moments – these were sparkles.
I was always praying myself to sleep, starting with the Our Father, and then I would talk to the angels, guides, and loved ones. I would ask them to help me break this fear; how could I deal with this fear naturally without any influences…
I always prayed to move away from my home town, I felt if I got away from all that negative energy, I would be able to get stronger and heal. I met my husband and we did move; it wasn’t as easy just by moving – I still continued to drink. This particular morning I felt and knew something had to change for I believed that my husband and kids were answered prayers; the one thing that my mom shared with me was “not to take things for granted, for once you think it’s yours, it’s gone”. I was still struggling with something still not right within. I drove to a nearby church and sat for hours, talking with God. When I left there I was in the knowing of the importance that I had to do my part. I didn’t quit drinking but I did slow down quite a bit. The urge to drink returned when I got around situations or others that resonated that fear within me, feeling the static and heavy energy, so much so that I would drink just to cope.
However, even after everything that I had been through, nothing prepared me for when my sister (who took me in as her guardian at the age 7) passed away during what one would call a routine surgery. Even though I had a feeling something wasn’t right, I dismissed it. Once the services were over and I got back home, I couldn’t stop crying for two years straight, my sister stayed with me the whole time in spirit; but my fears amplified more than ever. Even though her and I had many disagreements, I always knew she was the one that would always be there to rescue me, when nobody else ever was, she was the one that gave me a back bone to my fears. Now what do I do, I wasn’t strong enough for me, I can’t do this? Help me!! I pretty much don’t remember those two years of my life, I went numb, started getting scared because my thoughts were not of me anymore, I was beginning to believe I was having a nervous breakdown. My saving grace was my son when he said to me “I want my mom back” – I cried and cried, these were different tears, they were tears of wanting to “live”. I started forcing myself to break the pattern I was in, becoming more and more enlightened with spirit, I was communicating with them all the time. Becoming aware that it’s up to me to “own” my power, I have been giving my power away my whole life; it was me that I have been waiting for this whole time. We all have our own stories, and this is mine, all mine to create to be all that dwells in my soul.
I came to the realization that “fear” isn’t real; it’s created by my thoughts, a thought that I had the power of choice to change. The “key” ingredient to my freedom is putting all my spiritual knowledge into a way of being; this is my spiritual courage that holds the answers within, for I am a spiritual being having a human experience; it was always that simple.
From my heart to yours, ~Lisa Salaz