In the last 10 years I have been trying to rekindle the magic of the holidays, trying so many different way to bring in the cheers from decorating, baking, family and always with love and gratitude for spirit. Something in my soul was empty. My sister that raised me from a young age introduced me to the spirit of birthdays and the holidays; but when she passed on 10 years ago something died in me. Each holiday after that my heart would sink and I began to dread the holidays. This would even sadden me that much more because I loved the holidays! I love the spirit of it all, gift giving/receiving, rejoicing, decorating the house from one side to the other, the smell of delicious food and goodies too!!
Each year I would continue the traditions, but I always found myself holding back the tears year after year. I would always have quiet conversations with myself such as, “Lisa it’s time for you to make it your own”. I would break down crying even harder saying, “Dear Lord will this pain and sadness ever leave me?”
You see life is always changing; nothing remains the same. We even change with time; for the first 7 years of my life I never knew we had birthdays or holidays. When my sister brought them into my existence I thought it was pure joy, everyone was laughing, singing, and there were hugs for everyone! Oh my goodness, all the decorating and baking cookies with Christmas songs playing, decorating the tree was so magical! I never wanted any of this to end. However, as the years passed it did. My sister tried so hard to bring a change into the family and she did, but everyone’s troubled heart in between those good times took over and the anger that resides within each caused more pain to be inflicted upon each other. My sister began getting weaker and tired; she was tired of the fighting. This is when I noticed the slow change; her health with each year declined until she returned home with God.
By this time so much hope had been lost. The family was buried in sadness, pain and personal conflict deep inside us. The biggest mistake was that nobody talked about anything, it was as if they were told to just keep quiet. So we did and this created our own version of what we “think” happened. We really don’t know how to talk with one another to express our hurt feelings. I know it all boils down to the fact that we are all feeling the same thing – wanting to feel close to one another and be loved. So many things have been said and done to each other that caused so much pain and loss of trust, will it ever be resolved among each other? I don’t know…
My sister would tell me “Let it go, I have tried for years to bring the family together, it doesn’t work, look what it has done to me”. So I did and now I have grown closer to God who has been healing my own personal wounds.
The Shift happened…
This year has been an emotional roller coaster with changes and self discoveries which I know most of you know don’t come easy. I have noticed major shifts within me, not sure what I think of them, I just know something isn’t the same anymore…The best way I can explain it would the calm after the storm.
I have been praying more than I normally do this year, and I tell you it is plentiful. I have no idea where I am going from here, all I know is that something new is on the horizon.
When October arrived I was saying to myself, “Argh – here we are going into the holidays again”. But I noticed something different; something shifted in me, that feeling of sadness didn’t feel like quicksand in my heart now. Hmmmm… Could it be “breaking the blues”?
I put my decorations up for Halloween, than Thanksgiving, feeling a sense of joy, walking by them with a smile from my soul with whispers of “thank you” coming out. This is the first time in 10 years that I am looking forward with pure joy to putting my Christmas decorations up. I am excited to bake cookies thinking of who I would like to give cookies to; if I could I would give them to everyone!! I want to reach out to the hospital to bring gifts & music to the sick children, looking forward to singing Christmas songs while our daughter plays her Violin or Piano and having our son come out for Christmas. Within all this holiday magic and joy I feel it all radiates with my love for God, the seed within me blossoming once again.
May your Thanksgiving be as full in your heart as it is in your tummy, and may the spirit of Christmas open your hearts to all the little miracles we have been gifted with, giving back with love & gratitude.
Hugs for everyone,