Who Am I


picture by Louise Hay

I came across a post that was shared on Facebook from a friend of mine. What got my attention were the words “Who Am I”; words that we all can relate to at some point in our lives (I know I have). I was intrigued to click on the link and read on, it triggered so many different feelings within me that I was inspired to share. I started to write an inspiration post as I do most days, but as it got longer & longer, I heard a voice say “newsletter” so here we are! I would like to share the link with you first, then ask you to return so I can continue to share with you….https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/08/19/narcissism-is-an-identity-disorder/

Post narcissism identity disorder “Who Am I” was me for the longest time, building up from the shame I lived with from my past. I have hit rock bottom several times, losing myself and wishing the true me could live. “Who is the true me?” was the question. I buried her in layers influenced by things & people outside of me. My quest into my spiritual journey has brought me to where I am in this moment of my life. At one time I believed it would take a miracle to find peace & spiritual prosperity, what I didn’t know at that time was that I was the miracle. The miracle was waiting on me, falling to my knees, surrendering, letting all my junk come out into my personal space, feeling it once again, looking at if from another perspective, a divine perspective that was for my highest good. This is where the healing began, I became the miracle through soul searching and becoming one with myself, the discovery of “who I am”.

I know there are many levels of this personality disorder where some are more extreme than others, the longer you’re in it the darker it becomes. Fortunately I wasn’t the extreme of this, yet to me it felt like it was huge, for my pain sourced deep. I would recognize others that were suffering as I was and handling it much harder. It gave me a confidence boost to know I was making some recovery, yet I knew I was fragile. Narcissism really is suffering from a lack of confidence, as I mention this comes in many levels, some being more extreme than others, the more extreme the harsher they are with others, the more defensive they become by avoiding their feelings, the deeper the personal struggle they live within. They portray a mighty persona of confidence but it is an artificial energy, a desperate cry for validation.

I witness many suffering the lost of identity, often being asked in my intuitive coaching sessions to help guide them beyond these conditions. As I shared with many of you before, spirit has often shared with me personal obstacles and struggles from my personal life which will be part of the teaching. I thought to myself, why would I want to share my junk that was the root of my shame & pain? Because sharing my personal suffering from my past gives the promise of recovery to others. At a core level I would be able to sense what others were enduring, sharing spiritual guidance to bring back the nourishment needed for them to sparkle once again.

Back when I was suffering, I was far from recovery, not understanding how I would be able to help another when I didn’t know how to help myself. They reminded me that I am the student, as long as I follow the guidance of my soul I will have the necessary ingredients to find my way out into the light. I had so many anxieties, fears, lack of self worth, fighting for confidence; I knew I had self worth, I just didn’t know how to own it without a fight.

I’m telling you when we stop looking outside of ourselves for validation and go deep within our soul, we will discover truth that is uniquely ours that no one can give us. This is your truth that comes from your personal relationship spirit/God, when you tap into that allowing your soul to marinate in this profound knowing, it shifts everything you feared into a lifestyle of peace and personal empowerment. It’s a process that takes much love and time to heal, the only shortcut is surrendering and letting go of these layers known as the many masks we wear to cope in society. Stop and think for a moment; are you really coping? We lie to ourselves so that we can think we are, becoming quite defensive when anyone tries to tell us different. We are uncomfortable being around anyone that is able to see our truth or speak of this truth; we will use health, religion, the blame of our upbringing, the experience of losses from loved ones or jobs and material things, insults or judgments on others to excuse us, or to make us look or seem sound for the way we behave.

Since I too have been a part of this circle as well, I am able to recognize it from my own personal experience and am able to “feel” the energy of another from a core level to see their true beauty behind the facade they are showing in their multiple personalities to protect their pain. Many times I have seen them be diagnosed as bi-polar, depressed, high anxiety, or just known for losing their mind by becoming dysfunctional where they have turned to some sort of addictions to cushion their unsettled spirit.

When I was lost in this cycle of “who Am I”, I was trying to fit in, being what I thought I had to be for the mixed society of people. This included family, work colleagues, acquaintances of all sorts, religious leaders, but I always felt out of place. Their beliefs, ideas and choices weren’t mine; do I dare try to be me and deal with rejection? Even though I was creating just that – rejection. We all want to belong don’t we? As time went on I was trying to be everything but me, this caused much confusion, losing my true identity and becoming dysfunctional in my behavior. You see, the truth is that your true self is still in there, it comes up every so often and when it does if feels good. This is the part that gets others including ourselves excited with hope and love. Yet it scares us to the point that we revert back (much due to habit) to what we think others and ourselves believe is our normal. By this time we have created many versions of ourselves behind the mask, these versions have sparks of truth of who we are at a core level, being our true identity. But our mind believes differently for we have lied to ourselves enough to override our true goodness. We mirror ourselves to others that have this same identity issue. There are many different levels of this syndrome, all in the hope of reaching at a divine level the same destiny in your core where your true identity lives. We attract ourselves to others to feel comfortable in our roles. We like to attract to those that are weaker to make us feel stronger, or break down the stronger in the hope of leaving them weaker to match our own weakness; this is how so many dysfunctional relationships come together.

The silent cries in the human heart want to break this cycle, yet feel so twisted in it that they don’t even know where and how to unravel it all. A soul search begins, even this leads us through desperation attaching us to those that feed off the weak. When your soul is hungry it will keep pursuing until you meet yourself personally at a core level. All these obstacles are your guiding light, the thirst is your truth that will set you free, becoming the true essence of “Who Am I” to “I AM, That I AM” without attachments.

Peace be with you,

~Lisa Salaz