Loves me, Loves me not?

 

heartforest

How many times have you repeated those words… Loves me, Loves me not?

We love the fantasy of love so much that we lose sight of what love truly means. It is much more than the hot physical attraction that soon fizzles when the soul connection is not there. Just what if you could flee from sexual immorality, how would that change things?

Many years ago I was seeing this strong Christian man. I was confused because he would never go all the way with me sexually. I became frustrated, asking him what was wrong. I even asked him if he was gay. He proceeded to tell me that God’s word says that we are not to have sex before marriage. I looked at him with so much confusion; why would God say such a thing? I laugh about it now as I think back on my words. You see I grew up being sexually molested, it was all I knew, I never knew or believed it came with boundaries. I believed men had the right to take what they wanted, I will say I hated it, thinking I didn’t have a choice in the matter, it’s a man’s world.

This experience left me feeling very confused with sexuality. I was still a girl that had desires, the problem was that each time I felt sinful, ugly, disgusting. I hated men for taking from me what I thought was mine, I hated myself for wanting more as an adult. How can I want something that is ugly, what kind of person am I? I even one time thought I should be a prostitute, for I would manage and make money off it; they’re going to take it if I like it or not anyway. But I knew this wasn’t something I really wanted; it was just the anger and hurt crying out from me.

The reason I was so stunned that I replied “Why would God say such a thing” is that men as long as I knew and women have been having sex just as naturally as eating. Aren’t we all God’s people? That I did know, so it must be okay, the only way we are free from this agony is to become a nun. Was that what I really wanted? So I played the game as I had learned, crying myself to sleep many nights.

When I seeing this Christian man I was in my twenties at the time and I told him I didn’t want to see him again; I was embarrassed and felt very unworthy of such a man. This man’s words echoed in my mind many times, I thought that he must be the only one who believes this. Of course I went on with my life where with every man I was interested in it was a sexual thing first, and it seemed like there was always alcohol involved, to help me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want it or enjoy some of the experience, it just never felt right in my heart.

I did like some of these men more than others so in my confused mind I would think perhaps with a few of them, “Is this love?” So I would start manifesting the thought of being in love, I tell you the thought of being in love was more beautiful than my reality. Thinking well this must be as good as it getsdoes he love me, does he not?

I would even grab a flower and pull each petal going all the way around to the last petal repeating does he love me, does he not? You know most of the time it landed on “not”. I would throw it away and say that it was just a stupid flower!! When it did land on “yes”, I knew deep down it wasn’t so, but I still wanted to play into my fantasy, which always ended in pain. It was all in my mind – it wasn’t realty.

I would ponder often in my soul of how it would be if I could meet a man without the physical attraction & sexual activity first; what if? We could fall in love with each other for our souls, our true authentic selves. I figured it wasn’t possible, because a man would not stick around long enough if his sexual needs weren’t satisfied. I always left pondering if what this Christian man told me had any merit.

I met my husband at the time he was in Macedonia serving his last year in the military. He sent me a message online January 31st, using those IM pop up boxes. I had stopped talking to men through these because it always lead to the same thing – they had a quick small interest in you and popped a sexual question, and “when can we meet”. But on this day for some reason my instinct told me to respond to his IM which said, “So you like candles?” which he found on my profile. I replied and from that point we talked to each other through nonstop IMs, emails and phones calls, talking about everything under the sun. Everything flowed naturally without any effort. I was testing him on some of his responses that seemed to good to be true in character, using different life experience scenarios, knowing that if he really felt that way it would still apply to everything else and he was always true to his word. We exchanged pictures and he arrived back home May 1st, 2000. We married August 19st, 2000.

So many believed that this was crazy, we didn’t know each other and yet we did, we both knew we lived a previous life of sin, regret & turmoil. We knew what we wanted and didn’t want, we both had God in our hearts, only wanting good. We knew we had much growing to do and saw that potential in each other; we knew that with both of us together the impossible was possible. He loves me, as I love him!!

Yes God is good, I met someone without the instant physical attraction and the sex that followed. We blended together getting to know each other, our souls became one with God. Life isn’t always easy for us, but we know together we can get through it. I am grateful I listened to my spirit and trusted my soul’s whispers; if I didn’t, I would have given up long ago and stayed living a life of pain. Now I know what it is to feel love and make love.

1 Corinthians 6:19

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself – honor God with your body.

Honor, love, and have patience with yourself, trust the whispers of your soul, know your boundaries respecting yourself and your choices, live your life being in love with life; love will come your way.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all you loves & lovelies,

Lisa Salaz

One thought on “Loves me, Loves me not?

  1. I loved this story. I never really knew yours and Sean’s story until now. It still blows my mind that Sean found the love of his life when he was stationed in Macedonia; someone who lived in the Albuquerque Metro area. I mean, what are the odds? I admire you for “coming out of the closet.” There are many girls besides you and me who suffer from early guilt (sex) when we were young; because we didn’t know that love could be without the sex. We believed that sex was necessary; or else “our love” would leave. We didn’t know then: that if a man left you because you would not allow yourself to be a “sex object” it was “good riddance.” You don’t need that kind of a man. Love is shoveling all the snow out of the front, going down to Tijeras Canyon and moving your Dad to CO, cleaning an cooking and taking care of the baby when you are ill or there is a death in the family. Your story is precious. Thank you for sharing.

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