Why so many give up and get desperate; there are so many broken promises and false expressions of love and support out there. This last year I have been sitting back and observing this more than ever on social media and hearing it in the community around the world. People withdraw more & more into their own very private village, better described as a cocoon.
I have been pondering deeply on this, why so many act like they care about the world & the people, yet they stay in their cocoon….being completely honest with myself, digging deeper into the core of my own soul looking for answers to so many why’s?
First I ask myself how many times have I been guilty of this and why. What was I really feeling at the time when this was happening through me? What about those broken promises of my own? This is no longer about blaming anyone else but myself. This was there for me, so what was it? As I am feeling deep into my soul in the moment, I could feel so badly that I wanted to give to another what I really felt they deserved, I just didn’t feel worthy enough to follow through. Why? Either I didn’t have the financial means to deliver on the promise or it was never really in my reach to deliver. I left feeling shameful, embarrassed and guilty for promising something I couldn’t deliver. Needing to band aid my poor behavior, I was coming up with false reasons to justify my broken promises, leaving me feeling that much more full of shame and guilt.
The thing is I was able to tell by looking into the eyes of those I was speaking to they didn’t believe me either, they were just going along with my reasons. What could they really say? It wasn’t like I was going to disagree with my own reasons. I hear myself saying, “Lisa why did you promise something you couldn’t deliver (or chose not to)?” I was hoping something would happen to change my situation so I could follow through. And there was a time where I was just wanting someone to like me or take me in that moment for whatever that may have been. That moment was really nothing to remember. I just wanted acceptance and became desperate for it.
Ah the broken promise that I chose not to deliver is even more painful to admit to myself and out loud. I have to say a sense of jealously and envy was around me like a cloak. The idea of benefiting another path that my own lacked, the ill feeling I felt deep inside of me left little confidence that I could bring any value to a promise in my own path or for another. This was just another reminder of how I felt like an epic failure. I didn’t realize this at the time, but genuinely helping another paved the path for me as well. As the saying goes “What goes around comes around”; when you give authentically from your God-like self, you will take notice of how blessings circle back into your life as well.
Another scenario I felt was when I was asked to do something, I really didn’t feel like I wanted to help, and I knew I wasn’t truly planning on showing up. I just knew I would come up with a good reason for bailing out later. I was feeling pressured that if I didn’t say “yes” I would be looked down upon, so I avoided that feeling by saying yes and finding a way to bail out. I left feeling bad that I didn’t want or wasn’t interested in helping. You see I was always forced to do things if I wanted to or not, never having a say, so I always felt anger which was always brought forward into my life.
These are the few feelings I had surface when I put myself back in those moments of being guilty in broken promises. This is what I was feeling deeply that had an effect on my words and my deeds or lack of deeds. I was very insecure even though on the outside I showed confidence through my attitude. I was afraid to say how I really felt, for as a young child growing up I was always getting in trouble for it from the adults in my life and being told to act the way they said was right, regardless of what I thought or felt about it. They was tell me to go along with it or I would be shamed. So I learned to say whatever was needed or I thought was expected of me. My true feelings were looked at as nonsense and devalued. I took notice of how beings have a tendency to value each other by looks and financial status. So I was always trying or I should say acting like I was in the game! God how I hated myself throughout this whole facade that was exhausting, pointless and above all painful to my body, mind & spirit!!
This is what I happened to me when I disconnected from my soul and followed mankind’s beliefs. When I asked why I should follow those beliefs, I was always told “Because that’s the way it’s always been done”. In my own personal relationship with spirit I knew from early on these situations were to challenge us to take a stand on what is right from our God-like self and be blown around in the twists and turns of mankind. I felt overwhelmed, I felt mankind holds the power here on Earth and they have no fear of God. If I don’t follow the beliefs of this world, I will be an outcast. I wanted to be loved, wanted, needed and accepted with a sense of belonging. If I wanted these things I would have to play along: so I put my personal relationship with spirit on the back burner. This is when I felt my soul fell into turmoil, I was confused, lost, and was steadily losing all control of my life, sinking deeper in dysfunctional emotional & physical behavior.
The screams of agony in my soul would cry out “Why can’t I just be me?!”
I could feel the love of spirit moving in closer to me. I felt like I was being cradled, meaning I could feel how soothing their love was trying to comfort me and bring me back to truth. I was still unsure because I didn’t see how this would work; after all look what happened to all those who walked in God’s name. They endured much suffering for it. Before I could even finish, spirit showed me how rewarded those who came before me were, blessed richly for their deeds. They gave the people hope and promise for eternity.
So first I needed to start by forgiving myself – I had a trunk full of guilt built up inside of me, which made a huge impact on my confidence. This was done by spirit showing me that they knew my heart and pain, the reasons behind it and they also knew how much I wanted to do good. Therefore I have their blessings; they are waiting on me and my peace was with them first. Forgiving myself made it so much easier to forgive others in my life that started this roller coaster of destruction. I knew many of my actions towards others wasn’t really about them, it was being passed on, and on..I was passing it on too – it had to stop here and now, starting with me.
This is when I started breaking out of my cocoon, transforming into my true colors. I was still timid as I started to take flight and I promised myself I was not turning back. I was going to trust my internal spirit and not go back to where I was when I was detached from spirit. I still had to face rejection and judgments, but this time I would listen to the whispers of my soul and how to cope with that, being reminded to use my past experience to help me understand with compassion, which eases up the frustration and judgments upon others.
Spirit showed me the importance of helping the community by using my personal gifts and talents where and when I am needed. This knowledge will be a calling in my soul, it is these projects that have a soul purpose to help another out. If you are moved to help someone in their passionate calling or for their healing, there is a way you can be a part of it. There are many ways that help can be provided. For example if a family lost their house to a fire, a leader steps forward asking the community to help and build this family a practical home, needing help from others that can provide time, talent and expertise to get the task done. Money, materials, labor and much more is needed; there is room for everyone to contribute. There is a need for a bookkeeper, errand runners, someone to bring food for the workers, someone who can loan machines needed for the job, even donating from a business that could help this project. If everyone came together from their God-like self, there would be a house built utilizing these talents, and the reward each would feel in their soul afterwards is a feeling that is too big for words.
If I am not able to give something of myself, I am honest up front with an honest reason and I let it go. I no longer need to be defensive about it. I know in my heart if there is something that I can do I will. We feel in our hearts when it is a soul movement. I no longer look for approval by looks or financial status. I always make a point to treat others how I would like to be treated.
I am with joy & peace in my heart. I give thanks for every day, including my challenges. I know each one is a gift to improve my soul’s purpose for being here on this Earth at this time. I don’t take things personal; of course things at times sadden me. However I know that if I did all I could do then I did my part. This part had a bigger purpose that isn’t known to me at this time, I just need to stay in movement.
We are not here alone, we have each other. Spread your wings and take flight where you can make a difference – this is what you will be remembered for.
Always with love & blessing to each of you,